The other night, while eating Asian
Take-away, I had occasion
To try a cheeky little red -
“Pinot noir” I think it said.

This of course then got me thinking
Just what was it that I was drinking?
“Pinot noir”, whilst sounding haughty,
Sounds maybe just a little naughty -

In parts of Asia, be construed
As maybe something rather rude.

The names of types and kinds of wine
Then rattled round my tiny mind.
And actually, I’m rather keen
To find out what they really mean.

I did some drinking, called ‘research’ -
I nearly even went to church.
I looked up books – to no avail.
The CD’s are another tale…

My senses steeled, my mind was set
I surfed and trawled the Internet.
The list is not exhaustive, true,
But what I’ve found I’ll share with you.

It certainly, most have agreed,
Makes for an interesting read.

Burgundy is named in honour
Of the thirteenth century’s famous scholar.

Malbec, it seems was wont to dance
With the son of the cousin of the King of France.

Merlot too, he loved to sing -
A special favourite of the King.
In the Louvre he had his quarters,
He bonked the Queen and all her daughters.

Shiraz, a middle-English word,
Its meaning now is seldom heard.
Amidst the laughter, hale and hearty,
Put very simply, means “Let’s Party!”

The Duke of Cabernet, it’s true,
Knew how to drink a thing or two.
His parties always had pizzazz -
Nicknamed the ‘Cabernet Shiraz’.

It’s said that riesling really means
What Germans do without their jeans.

Those suffering from Durif will know
The ins and outs of feeling low.
The wine was named, among the wattles
By one who suffered several bottles.

The Spanish writer, El Tarrango
Was fascinated by the Tango.
His fondness for the grape was famed,
So after him a wine was named.

Chardonnay, I’ve heard them say,
Will make it really big some day.
If only everybody knew
That ‘Chardonnay’ means ‘wombat poo’.

Moselle was named, so I believe,
On a catwalk last year’s New years Eve.
The Body moseyed down the plank,
The judges checked the wine they drank.
While all were charged with hormones fearsome,
They named it after Elle Macpherson.

The Grenache soldiers, it is said,
Really liked a drop of red.
So President, young Charles de Gaulle
Bought them wine – they had a ball!
A house of ill-repute in Spain,
Hatched a plan, though quite insane,
To knock their noisy patrons out
With several wines, while lights were out.
The wine they chose, it wasn’t yellow, but

A vivid green they called Verdelho.
(I’d like to note I’m well-intentioned,
‘Bordello’ wasn’t even mentioned.

…D’OH!)
Hubble, rubble, toil and trouble,
Champagne always likes to bubble.
Hangover cure is always tricky -
Most attempt the ’sham pain’ sickie.

Well there they are. They may astound,
Though these I swear I really found. But
As Bill Gates said to the pleb
“Who believes the World Wide Web?”